The OFFICIAL Doctor Whooves and Assistant Fanfic
by n00dl3gal
Summary: Just like it says in the title. Approved by PierceSmoulder. Join the Doctor on his magical journey throughout Equestria with the aid of his newest assistant, Ditzy Doo. Adventure, muffins, and time travel. What else could you want? Ongoing, as long as new podcast episodes are released. Rated K plus only for slightly angry language and actions. DISCONTINUED indefinitely.
1. A Bit Unexpected, Part One

The OFFICIAL fanfic for the popular online podcast series! It's approved by PierceSmoulder and everything! Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh MUFFINS!

Yeah, I'm excited too.

Thanks to Konpeki Rei for betaing this, to PierceSmoulder for sending me a copy of the script and giving me the rights to do this, and Hasbro/ The Hub for creating this epic show (which I don't own).

Allons-y!

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Chapter 1

A Bit Unexpected, Part One

Our scene opens up in a sunny meadow with a nearby pond. The trees are large and green and look somewhat cartoonish. Not a single cloud hangs in the sky. Suddenly, there's a whoosh, despite the lack of wind. The sound grows and grows as a large blue box appears out of nowhere. Eventually the strange object solidifies, and after a pause, a man pokes his head out to investigate his surroundings.

He begins to mutter to himself. "Well, that was a bit unexpected. Hmm... let's have a look around then. Trees are the same, birds are the same... a bit too sunny to be English weather. A bit primitive, perhaps. Wonder where I am, the TARDIS getting all wonky like that. Well, best I try to fix it up then..."

"Hi!" shouts a female voice right in the Doctor's face. Naturally, he's shocked, and so begins to scream.

"Whoa! Huh... ah," he shouts.

He gets a proper look at the girl who interrupted him- except it isn't a girl. It's a... _horse__? __A __talking __horse__? _Not only that, but it's a _purple _horse. That's flying. Flying! It's not a horse at all, but a _pegasus__! _Which planet could this be?

"Hello there, mister. Wow, your house kinda appeared out of nowhere," she (it?) continues, apparently oblivious to the form she/it is taking.

The Doctor is actually fairly calm, all things considering. "No, this isn't a house, and furthermore, you're talking and you look like you're an equine of some sort... a pony. I think that's more interesting," he admits.

Ditzy Doo, or Derpy Hooves (whichever you prefer), is the name of the pony in question, but our hero doesn't know that yet. But for the sake of this fanfic, we will refer to her as Ditzy so as to clear any confusion. With me so far? Eyeup? Good.

Anyway, back to the action. Ditzy seems puzzled (naturally) by the statement. "I am a pony, and you're a pony too, mister."

He's stunned. "Now wait a minute, I can't possibly be a pony. Last time I checked, I was at least homo sapien in appearance."

"A homo- say- what- now?" There's a look in her eyes that suggest she may just be thinking of "homo" as something else, but then again, with those pupils, who can tell?

"Oh, you know, a hairless ape that walks on bipedals. Basically they-"

"Monkeys on bike pedals!" Ditzy interrupts. You should get used to her in bursts now. "Oh boy! So you're from the circus. I love the circus!" Oh! I love the circus, too!

"Uh, no, it means I walk on two legs," the Doctor explains with exasperation.

Ditzy is concerned. "Uh, you're not walking on two legs, mister. Did that house hit your head?" Her eyes uncross for just a second, emphasizing her fear.

He sighs, "Now hold on a minute, let me take a look," and walks over to peer into the pond. His eyes go wide when he sees his newest regeneration result. "Oh dear! Good... well, that's interesting, isn't it? Look at that, hooves and everything." He chuckles. "Guess that explains a lot then. I'm liking the tail, a rather nice touch. Hmm, chestnut, it looks like." A sigh escapes his snout. "Still not ginger. Blast. Oh! This looks like an hourglass right here on my rump. Fancy that. Doesn't look like a-"

"Duh! That's your Cutie Mark!" Ditzy interjects. She scoffs at the newcomer's stupidity.

"Ah!" exclaims the stallion.

"Jeez, do I have to teach you everything all over again?" rants Ditzy. Cue eye- roll.

"Now you see..."

"I really, really think you hit your head pretty hard. What's your name, anyway?" she goes on, ignoring the newcomer's attempt at butting in. Talky, talky, talky.

The Doctor jumps back to reality. "Oh! I'm the Doctor!"

To nobody's surprise, a confused look crosses her face. "The doctor of what?"

"Oh, well... I'm just the Doctor," he explains.

"Um, OK... so you fix ponies up, right?" She bites her lip.

The Time Lord is also puzzled now. "Um, no, if I just fixed ponies up, then I don't think this would be the... watchamacallit, the mark on my rump."

Ditzy examines the said design. "A Cutie Mark!" she sighs.

"Ah, yes."

"Let me see... whoa. It looks like your Cutie Mark is an... hourglass? So... hourglass, hourglass..." After a bit of pondering, she gives an excited gasp. "Is your special talent time?"

He grins smugly, and I'm sure if he were still Matt Smith, he would straighten his bow tie. "Indeed. Time and fabrication at the slightest..."

"OH MY GOSH A TIME- TRAVELING PONY!" Ditzy yells happily. "This is so cool! I wa... a bu..." She struggles off adorably. "Uh, that's nice." She sighs. "I don't remember what my special talent is."

"Well it's-"

Ditzy interrupts him for what seems to be the millionth time. "Anyways..."

"-But, but it shows that you have bubbles on your... eh, rump," counter-interrupts the Doctor.

"Well, yeah," she replies, "I think it's for my bubbly personality."

"Or bubbly brain, but that can be debated later..." he mumbles under his breath. Oh, that's just cruel, Doctor. It's not her fault she's Derpy. Don't insult the handicapped, kids. It's mean.

"Huh?" Ditzy blurts, accidently hearing some of the Doctor's muttering.

He panics. "Uh, nothing! Nothing... actually, you see," he continues, "I'm in a bit of a situation. The TARDIS brought me here at this specific moment, and that-"

And yet another interruption. "You named your house TARDIS?"

"Oh, that's the name of the... time machine behind you," he explains.

"Oohh. OK." Obviously it's _not _OK, but let's leave poor Ditzy alone, all right?

The Doctor continues, "Ah, but actually, out of curiosity, what event is about to be taking place at this particular time and moment?" Geez, Doctor, that's the longest way of asking "what's happening?" I've ever heard.

Ditzy attempts to recall her memories. "Um... I dunno. I guess the Summer Sun Celebration's coming." After this, she visibly brightens. "It's actually the first time we've had it here in Ponyville in a long time. The Princess is gonna come out and everything! Everybody's-" hey wait a minute, shouldn't that be "every_pony_?"- "going to be there!"

"So this event is very important, right?" he asks worriedly.

"Eeyup. VERY important," she responds affirmatively.

"Hmm. It seems that the TARDIS sent me at this specific, exact moment for just this right occasion. That means that something is bound to happen at this particular event. Right!"

"Huh?" And, once again, Ditzy has lost the Time Lord (Pony?)'s train of thought.

"Let me just take a look at- uh," he begins, pulling out his sonic screwdriver, which he then drops. He attempts to pick it up but fails. Several times. Quite epically, in fact. "Uh... oh dear goodness... ah... oh!... Blast... dang... How do you hold these things? I can't hold my sonic screwdriver!"

Ditzy lifts it off the ground with ease. "Oh, well, you just... pick it up. See? Like this."

The Doctor is amazed. "How do you even do that? You have... it's... it's virtually impossible with these hooves."

"Uh, no, you just pick it up. See? Like this," she replies, demonstrating.

"OK, let me try this the way you do... ugh, this isn't working!" And suddenly, an epiphany! "Oh! Hold on, I have an idea!" He grasps the device in his jaw. "Tshere! Tshere we gos. Now I'm sholding it in-"

Alas, another interruption. And I thought we were done with those... "Hey, your mouth is good, but, um, I mean..."

"It'sh tshe only way I can phshysically shold tshish tshing," he mumbles. To which our little pegasus responds, "Well, you could just hold it in your hoof." The Doctor's answer to this? "No, it'sh quite imposshible. I'll jusht shtick witsh tshe mouths. Sho, anyway, let'sh get rigsht to it!"

Ditzy rolls her eyes. "I think you're gonna need a unicorn to help you with that."

_Clank__. _The Doctor drops his jaw, which in turn drops the sonic screwdriver. "Wait a minute, did you just say 'unicorns?'"

"Yeah, unicorns," she answers, like it's the most common thing in the world. "Like, see, I'm a pegasus. We have unicorns."

"Are you telling me there's _actually__unicorns_here?"

"Yeah, all over the place." Huh, I guess they _are_the most common thing in the world. My bad.

The stallion gives an amazed laugh. "The humans were onto something for once! Right then, let's-" Cue stomach growl. "Oh, uh, oh dear, oh... Perchance, let's get something to eat first. Um, you do eat, right?" he asks the mare.

"Sure! We have dandelion sandwiches, hay fries, apple pie..." she begins to rattle off the whole menu for Sugarcube Corner.

"Do you have bacon and eggs, out of curiosity?" inquires the male pony.

Her face contorts with confusion. "Uh, I could _bake_you some eggs, if that's what you're asking." She gives a small giggle.

"Uh... do you have pigs on this planet?"

"Yeah, what about them?" counters the native horse. Well, of course there are pigs on this planet, otherwise Pinkie Pie's pig song makes no sense.

The Doctor begins a monologue to himself. "Oh yes, that's right, I forgot. Equines are herbivores in nature. That means they don't... or wouldn't even consider cannibalizing something similar to their own species."

"What?" I don't blame you, Ditz, I'm confused too. Those were some big words.

"Uh, nothing actually. Do you have... oh, I know! Do you have muffins with butter?"

Oh no. Oh no Doctor. You just had to mention muffins.

Here we go. Plug your ears, everybody.

"MUFFINS! YES, I GOT MUFFINS! I got blueberry muffins, I got coffee muffins, I got.. you should try the blueberry muffins. I really like the blueberry muffins, ESPECIALLY with butter, because butter is really good on muffins. I can make you muffins!"

OK, muffin tirade over.

"Splendid. I'll go for the blueberry muffins with the side of butter." Geez, Doctor, does Ditzy look like a waitress to you?

"I KNEW you'd like the blueberry muffins," she laughs.

Oh goodie, more internal monologuing. "Well, at least she can make a partial English breakfast in those regards."

"Um... so, I guess we should go get food then, right?" Ditzy Doo pulls the Doctor back into reality.

"Yes! Right!" He clears his throat. "Capital idea. Let's go and get some food. And from now on, until the job is done, you are my temporary assistant."

She gives an excited gasp. "A temporary assistant?!" She giggles happily, then stops. She turns to the Doctor with fear and worry all across her face.

"What do I do?"

End Chapter 1

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This is going to be so much fun... Stay tuned for "A Bit Unexpected, Part Two!"


	2. A Bit Unexpected, Part Two

OK, so as of this chapter, this story is going unbetaed. I'm doing this because a: I trust myself in adapting a pre-written script, and b: I need more help on my next big story for FMA. Plus it'll allow for more frequent updates.

So, thanks to Hasbro/the Hub/PierceSmoulder, and let's pick up where we left off.

* * *

Chapter 2

A Bit Unexpected, Part Two

Let's rejoin the Doctor and his assistant, mid-monologue.

"...In fact I wasn't even trying to get here in the first place. The only way the TARDIS could have ever come here is through a rift in time that would switch the vortex by maybe a few millenias or centuries, and besides that, how come I've never heard of this place? Certainly isn't London; far from it in fact. London. Magical ponies. _London__. _**Magical ****ponies****!** I just don't see the connection, so why did the TARDIS make it? Hmm, that tree looks familiar. What would this even do to my diet, being a pony? Do I eat grass, oats, carrots and things? I wonder if butter will make it taste better. Pears aren't in their diet often, I hope. Wonder if they have apple-grass or something like it, being magical and all. Magical ponies: absolutely fascinating! They eat eggs, it seems, ponies eating eggs. Brilliantly strange. Not only that, but she said 'muffins,' so that means they can cook!" The brown pony observes a tree with surprise. "Oh! Hello, strange curvy branch, have we met before? Anyway, if they can cook and talk and even use magic, then..." He stops trotting. "Assistant... we're lost, aren't we?"

Ditzy bites her lip. "Uhh... no, no, not lost," she says weakly. "I'm just... um, I have a few navigational disabilities." She resumes clopping (no, not that kind of clopping). "It'd be easier if you could fly like me." She unfurls her purple-gray wings in emphasis.

The Doctor is annoyed. "Well, I can't, and yes- the term is lost. You are utterly and completely lost. Is this normal for ponies?" he inquires.

"Not exactly..." she admits grudgingly.

"Of all the ponies I could have met, it_had_to be a directionally challenged one..." the Earth pony mutters to himself, before returning to normal. "Huh, I seem to be irritated rather easily. Ah well. I guess I'll have to get used to it."

"You're a really strange pony, you know that?" Ditzy comments. Yes, we know. Just ignore it. You'll grow to love it.

"Well, I can't debate that, really-" SEE? HE ADMITS HE'S STRANGE!- "but what's really strange is your eyes. I've never seen anything quite like it. I don't think I have it. Do all ponies have that?"

Ouch, that hurts, and the Pegasus shows it. "No... it's, uh... it's just me."

"Huh. What's wrong with them?" asks the Doctor, living up to his name. "Is it a medical condition, a birth defect, or..."

Yes, our first interruption for this chapter! "Ah, I-I-I don't want to talk about it, OK?"

"Oh, oh, I see. Yes, um... let's change the subject," the Doctor sputters. Ditzy readily agrees. "You know, about this pony society, what are the ponies like?"

The Pegasus grins. "Oh, well, the ponies are really welcoming and fun, I-I'm sure they'll like a pony like you," she gushes.

"You said something about a princess, so I'd only assume your ruler is a queen." Quite a logical assessment there, Doctor.

Ditzy shakes her mane. "Well, no... no, it's just the princess. Princess Celestia. She brings the sun and moon out every morning and night," she explains.

"Oh, right, got it." Huh? You do, Doctor? I mean, I barely get it... "And your society, what's it like? Uh, do you have jobs, perhaps?"

"Yeah, we all have jobs. We're an egalitarian society." Oh my, that's a big SAT word, isn't it? Er... let me get my dictionary...

"Oh... dear goodness..." mutters the Doctor. My sentiments exactly, sir.

"Uh, you don't know what that means? Egalitarian society means that everypony is equal..." Ah, thank you, Miss Doo, I was confused there- and a confused narrator/writer is an unhappy narrator/writer.

Oh lookie, the Doctor's interrupting for a change! "Oh nononono. You don't understand. I know what it means, I'm just... surprised."

Ditzy isn't buying it. "Why are you surprised?"

"I never thought I'd hear the word coming from you, actually." Ooh, wrong answer, Doctor, but thank you for playing.

The purple-gray pony stamps her hoof. "What's _that _supposed to mean?"

"Well, I just assumed..." Boys and girls, can you say "digging your own grave?"

"Assumed _what_?" she asks angrily.

Flabbergastedly, his response comes as such: "Uh... wuh... nothing, really, I wa-"

"We're here," she deadpans. "Welcome to Ponyville."

"She might have a little spite with that tone of voice, must have said something wrong..." the Doctor whispers to himself. He then scans the vacant town. "Uh, well... it looks deserted. Where is everybody?"

"You mean 'everypony,'" Ditzy corrects, with an eye roll.

"Everypo- HA HA HA HA!" He starts laughing; big, loud guffaws echo off the buildings. "Ah, so _that__'__s_what you guys say! Uh, every...pony, eh? Alright." He gives a pathetic cough in an attempt to cover up his laughter. Tsk, tsk, Doctor. Do not mock the pony customs.

Ditzy Doo is annoyed. "Yeah..." she sighs.

"Ust... vuh, uyu..." After clearing his throat, he continues by saying, "To rephrase th- sorry, I have the giggles!" He gives off a childish chortle. "To rephrase the question, where is everypony?" Cue a stifled laugh. "Everypony..."

"Um, they're at the Summer Sun Celebration, and you're really weird," comes the girl's response. Can't argue with her there.

"Right, lead the way then!" he commands!

"Okey-dokey!" she cheerfully bellows.

*TRANSITION NOISE*

Cut to a room full of ponies of all colors, with a plethora of Cutie Marks. Ambient crowd conversation fills the earholes. It seems that all of Ponyville is stuffed into this one hall- quite a feat.

"Wow! Fancy that! Take a look at all the fancy decorations!" the Doctor exclaims in delight.

"Mmhmm. It's a big, big, BIG celebration," Ditzy confirms. She smiles, proud of her humble town pulling off such an extravagant event. And with perfectly good reason- the place looks amazing. Streamers, balloons, bowls of punch, cupcakes... OOO CUPCAKES! YUMMY!

Sorry about that, folks. ADHD and all, you know how it is. Anyway, where were we? Yes, the Doctor.

"And this is all because your Princess, uh, raises the sun?" he asks.

The Pegasus gives an adorable cross-eyed grin. "Well, she's very important, and we celebrate it every year. It's just she's coming this year to Ponyville, so it's a really big event. She chooses random towns," she explains happily.

The Doctor can't help but be infected with the festivities' cheer. "Ah, that's fascinating!"

"She should be out, um, any minute..." The sound of a choir of birds fills the air. The chorus is being led by a pale yellow Pegasus with a pink mane, who is blushing at all the attention she's receiving. Her hind legs cross, almost obscuring a Cutie Mark in the form of three butterflies.

"Just think... where I come from, the suns and moons raise by themselves," the Time Lord (Pony?) comments to no one in particular. A beige Earth pony takes the stage and begins reciting a speech into a microphone. "That is an interesting sort of system."

"Ladies and gentleponies..."

Ditzy, unfortunately, heard the Doctor's past few statements, and is now debating calling the loony bin to pick this maniac up. "Uh-uh, right..." she says worriedly.

"Anyways," the mare says, apparently not hearing his assistant's comment, "I best be off. There are things I have to investigate, so thank you, Miss... uh..." Geez, Doctor, you never even learned her name? That's not very nice.

"It's um... Ditzy Doo. Ditzy Doo." Or _is _it? Is your name Ditzy Doo or Derpy Hooves? ...That's a question for another time.

"Oh. Well, Ditzy Doo," the brown equine replies with a nod of the head, "thank you for being my temporary assistant, and from here, I shall be parting off."

"Oh, OK... it's Doctor, right?"

The male pony begins to trot away. "Yep. It's the Doctor."

"Alright. Bye, Doctor!" The Doctor calls back a farewell, and Ditzy begins making crazy signs with her hoof. "Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!"

"Wow, there are so many ponies of various colors." Um, yeah, I pointed that out earlier, dude. "Oh!"

"Please welcome... PRINCESS CELESTIA!" yells the mayor to a roar of applause.

"Oh great! We get to see the Prince-" And suddenly, the atmosphere turns dark and ominous. The residents of Ponyville begin to mutter in fright. "That's not supposed to happen." The mayor struggles to calm down the crowd, but to no avail- especially after a midnight blue Alicorn materializes on stage. "Oh no... is this the event?" the Doctor ponders.

Apparently not, because the Alicorn begins a tirade that culminates in her decreeing that "the night will last FOREVER!" and laughing like a Bond villain.

"Oh dear goodness! DITZY!" the Doctor shouts over the din of the panicking crowd. "WE HAVE A PROBLEM!" He runs past the Pegasus and out the door.

Ditzy Doo rolls her eyes, before flying after him. "I noticed..."

End Chapter 2

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_Luna won't you cry for me_

_I'm as lonely as I've ever been_

_I am forced back into the start _

_Is there any way to fix a broken heart?_

- "Luna (NIGHTMARE MODE)" by Odyssey (lyrics by T. Stebbins)

I dunno. It just seemed to fit. It's an awesome song either way. Go listen to it, and stay alert for the next chapter.


End file.
